you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
