He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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