Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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