im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
