I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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