His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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