he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
