she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize