why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize