My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
