I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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