Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
