I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize