Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
