The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
