Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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