Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
My vagina is very pro this idea
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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