The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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