My girlfriend figured out who you are.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
