are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Randomize
