i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
ttyl tear gas
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize