In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
