you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
