whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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