Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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