somebody snuck up and got me drunk
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize