I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
