I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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