Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
