i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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