I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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