Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
