Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
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