It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
