It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
