Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
