I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
