I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
did i just pee glitter
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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