Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
