Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
