I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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