You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize