Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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