i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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