his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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