she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
