You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Randomize
