i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
pop tarts are not kleenex
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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