The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
