Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
