I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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