im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize