if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
