I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
