Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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