I molested 6 butterflies tonight
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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