They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
