proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
