me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
should my penis look like a turkey
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
