My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
