these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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