He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Randomize
