ugly people sure do ruin things
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
