She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
