Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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