Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
