She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
