i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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