you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
